Matrimony
by PrincessRotation
Summary: Sheldon devises a plan to fufill his mothers wishes and find a wife and have children... All he has to do is win the heart of Penny. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Multi chap!
1. Chapter 1

**Matrimony**

**Sheldon/Penny**

'Yes Mother, I know you want Grandchildren, but I just don't see the point. Can't you get one of my brothers to do it? I'm extremely busy with work... And Jesus didn't have a wife and kids. No, we don't know what Jesus wanted. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't that. Besides, I have no desire whatsoever to get married, I can easily donate sperm without having the public deceleration of commitment, and find a suitable womb that- No, you didn't raise your Shelly to be a sinner. Look, I'll talk to you later, I'm extremely busy... I love you too.' Sheldon sighed, and pressed the end call button, returning his mobile to his pocket. He loved his mother, something that he never understood but had always done, as any man should, but he was getting tired of her using Jesus as blackmail. And her request this time was ludicrous.

'What did she want this time?' Leonard, his flat mate and 'friend' asked him.  
>'She's being absurd. She's trying to convince me that I have reached a time in my life making it inevitable for me to get married and have my wife bear children. Isn't that preposterous?'<br>'For you, yes.' Leonard laughed, sitting down beside him and flicking through the tv channels.  
>'Exactly. I neither need nor want a wife and children. I am happy where I am until I win a Nobel Prize and move to a place more suitable for my needs. It'll be great being able to pay my own rent and not having to share my living space with another person.'<br>'Wow, thanks Sheldon. You make me feel all warm inside.' Leonard dead panned, rolling his eyes.

It was silent for a while until Leonard voiced his thoughts. 'Maybe... Maybe your mother isn't just asking this for herself. Maybe she wants you to lead a happy and full life.'  
>'Well if she thinks this is what's going to make me happy, then she must have been delirious the whole time she was around me. Comic books make me happy. Other people don't.' Sheldon scoffed.<br>'But listen, maybe she's right.' Leonard tried to argue, but Sheldon just rolled his eyes and got up.  
>'Leonard, don't be idiotic.'<br>'I think we both know I'm far from it.'  
>'Right, far.' Sheldon said, then gave his little laugh.<br>'Look at it this way.' Leonard, said, following him to the kitchen and ignoring his previous comment. 'Your offspring have the potential to be as great as you, maybe even greater. They could be the future of science.'  
>'Oh now you're just being silly.' Sheldon said, fixing himself a sandwich.<br>'It's possible, given that you weren't brought up in a way that suggests you were going to be as smart as you are. If you brought up a child teaching him all you know, then one day he could turn out to be even more accomplished than you. And it would be all thanks to you.'  
>Sheldon froze. 'Interesting.'<br>'If you just found a suitable woman that's smart-'  
>'Nonsense, I don't need a smart woman, I've got enough IQ points for the both of us. I just need attractive, so my child will look good accepting a Nobel Prize. And of course, informing the world that I'm to thank for his accomplishments. All I need is a good womb and-'<br>'No, Sheldon, your mother wants you to get married. Have the child within Holy Matrimony.'  
>'I suppose having a wife would be a small price to pay for such a child. I could think of it as an experiment as well, explore the part of the human experience that has always eluded me...'<br>'No! Okay Sheldon, you can't treat your future wife, who ever that deluded person may be, as an experiment!'  
>'Fine. But I'll need someone that's suitable for my standards. Someone attractive, who can cook, knows my needs and ways, someone who can handle me and- Penny.'<br>Leonard was nodding until he heard Penny. Then he laughed. 'I'm sorry, did you just say Penny?'  
>'Yes. She's quite a suitable mate. She's attractive, good at Halo and has known and put up with me for the better part of three years. She never sits in my seat.'<br>'You're a crazy person!' Leonard shouted.  
>'No, my mother had me tested.' Sheldon said, looking up from his food. 'I know you don't have the eidetic memory I do, but is that really so hard to remember?'<br>'You can't marry Penny! There's no way she'll marry you!'  
>'I don't see why not. I saved her from her bathtub once when she slipped in the shower and fractured her shoulder. I believe in most stories the hero and the damsel in distress ride off into the sun set and get married.'<br>'This is real life Sheldon!' Leonard yelled, then calmed himself. 'Okay, go ask her to marry you, see what she says.'  
>'Don't be preposterous, I first need to build up a relationship with her.' Sheldon scoffed, sitting back on the sofa and taking a bite of his sandwich.<br>'Sheldon, you're a virgin for God's sake!' Leonard spat, raking a hand through his hair.  
>'Well then I'll just get her to engage in coitus with me.' He shrugged, and Leonard spluttered with confusion and anger until he gave up, flinging his hands in the air and storming to his room.<br>'Finally some peace and quiet.' Sheldon sighed, picking up his food.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

****He had to admit to himself, this was going to be hard. Even building his Sonic Death Ray - which consequently had not, so to say, worked - seemed more straightforward than this. Love had always alluded Sheldon. Human relationships in general always had. He knew that he loved his mother - and he supposed his siblings... But that was natural. Falling in love was an entirely different matter.

Penny had to fall for him, it was inevitable now that he had made up his mind. How could she not? He saw no faults with himself. It was dubious to think she would assume otherwise. Leonard's reaction to his plan was completely overdone. This could work. Would work.

He decided he had to observe Penny carefully now, to see what she enjoyed and hated. He had to know what... 'made her tick' as his mother would say, so that he could figure out. Penny was like a very very complex math problem. Solvable, but it was going to take some time getting there.

He was going to need a new whiteboard.

_Knock knock knock_

'Penny.'

_Knock knock knock_

'Penny.'

_Knock knock knock_

'Penny.'

'Sheldon.' She sighed, swinging the door open and leaning against it tiredly.

'I respected your rule regarding the time I am allowed to visit you.'

'I see that. What do you want sweetie? I'm kinda tired, I wanna go back to bed.'

'Well what I want may take some time. Perhaps if you're tired we could retire for your bedroom for the duration of this.'

Penny froze. What was wrong with her? She puffed some air through the corner of her mouth to blow a strand of hair away from her eyes, but it just fell right back. He resisted the urge to brush it behind her ear.

'Sheldon, are you... Coming on to me?' She asked slowly, clutching onto the door knob.

It took him a while to process the meaning of that. He finally realized and his face grew in shock. 'Oh no, Penny! I didn't mean for you to perceive that as some sort of sexual innuendo... I just thought you would appreciate lying down if you were tired... I didn't mean for-'

'Sheldon, honey, it's okay!' She laughed. 'This in itself has woken me up. Come on in.'

He felt compelled to apologize more, but he wanted the moment to pass as soon as possible, and so he shuffled past her. He sat in his chosen seat and watched her fall down into a cross - legged position on the sofa. She was wearing short pyjama bottoms that had cookie hearts on them, and a tank top that said I heart Nerds. He recognised the brand of clothes but chose not to comment. Her hair was messy, she had a 'bed head' as he had heard Leonard refer to it before. but it didn't look... Bad. It almost suited her in a way. He realised, not for the first time, how actually aesthetically pleasing Penny actually was.

She was quite... Pretty. And although he felt it might be a challenge to get her to fall for him, he had begun to realize that his emotions would have to be brought into this at some point. Which scared and confused him. What is he fell for Penny? Then he would never have the focus needed to complete the task of winning her heart. He would end up like Leonard, singing sad songs and petting cats. And he couldn't afford that if he wanted a child that would win a Nobel Prize.

He made up his mind; he would do absolutely everything in his power not to fall for Penny.

He decided to start this mission by focusing on the fact she had odd socks on.

Oh, Penny.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

'So what is it you want?' She asked, slumping back on the sofa.

Content in the spot he had allocated for her apartment, and put his hands on his knees. 'I have something to ask you.' He tried to say nicely.

'Shoot.' She said.

'I wanted to ask if you would like to accompany me on a date to the cinema.' He said quietly. For some reason this was making him almost... Shy. Why? It was just Penny, their erratic and kooky neighbour, with a habit of talking with food in her mouth and telling pointless stories which he really had no interest in.

He watched her as she choked a little, which seemed to Sheldon weird as she was not eating. 'Are you okay? Would you like me to contact the emergency services?' He asked, trying his best to sound concerned.

'No, no, I just- You took me by surprise!' She gasped, sitting up with her hand on her chest, looking shocked.

'Why? I did not shout nor did I make it unclear I was going to ask a question, I proposed that I was going to do so before hand. Really Penny, that's complete hokum.' He said, shaking his head and sighing.

'No I mean, I'm surprised you asked me on a date! I didn't actually think you had human emotions!' She said, still not having recovered from his proposal. 'I mean... Are you serious? You actually want to take me out?'

'Penny, I am a man of little jokes. You can tell when I'm joking by my use of the word, 'Bazinga.' There was no Bazinga there, and therefore I would have thought you would have taken me seriously.'

'And this isn't some kind of experiment, or bet with the guys?' She asked slowly.

'No, of course not.' He said, getting impatient. He was beginning to realise what made Leonard so impatient with the blonde sometimes. She was very slow. A simple yes or no answer would have sufficed. He saw that she did not look convinced and so added; 'You have my word Penny.'

'I...' She stuttered. Then she stopped and looked if she was thinking it over. 'Eh, why not?' She shrugged, falling back onto the sofa. 'However the night goes, it's gonna be very entertaining. And I got nothin' to do.'

'Very well, I'm glad to hear of your enthusiasm.' He said. Then, getting up, he noted to her just in case she didn't get it, 'Sarcasm.'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever. What time you pickin' me up?' She asked, as he headed for the door. 'And what we going to see?'

'We are going to be viewing a film of your choice, as I believe it is customary for the lady to choose. I will leave you to look at the viewings online and text me the... 'Deets', so to say.' He said, grimacing at the word.

'Sweet!' She laughed, lying grabbing the tv remote and flicking it on, pulling her feet up onto the sofa. 'Man, I'm gonna have some fun with this.'

Sheldon shook his head again, and sighed. 'Goodbye Penny.' He said politely, exiting the apartment.

What had he let himself in for?

* * *

><p>Later that night, Sheldon lay in his bed, restless. He was having weird dreams which he couldn't seem to get rid of no matter how many glasses of warm milk he downed or how many times he arranged his comic books.<br>They were all of Penny.

The last one had involved him turning over in his bed to see Penny lying next to him, and he had wondered how she fit in so perfectly when it was a single. He was about to ask her why she was in his room when he realized he couldn't get his voice to work - and he started to freak out. But Penny's hand had come up to cup his cheek, she slowly stroked his cheek and moved in for a kiss-

He had bolted up in bed, hyperventilating and checking for any traces of the blonde in his bed. But he was alone, it had, afterall, been a dream. He allowed himself to calm down, trying to ignore the fact that this was the fifth time it had happened tonight, before having another thought.

'I _am_ the master of my own bladder.' He said aloud.

'Oh, it's no use. This is ridiculous.' He sighed, gently pulling his blanket aside and getting up. He decided after he had relieved himself he would wake Leonard to talk to him about his situation, he, having more experience in social conventions, would probably know what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

'Sheldon, get the hell out of my room.' A less than joyful Leonard growled from underneath the pillow he was currently holding over his head.

'If this wasn't important, I wouldn't be here.' Sheldon simply said, closing the door beind him.

'Can't this wait until the morning?' He groaned, sitting up and reaching for his glasses.

'No. This must be addressed immediately. I'm having... Dreams... About Penny. And I don't know how to stop them.'

Leonard laughed, that had certainly woken him up. 'What, so you've got a little crush on Penny now?' He smirked. 'I guess all you have to do is ask her out on a date.' He began to laugh.

'Oh, I already did that part. She said yes of course, but anyway, that is not the matter at hand, you see, I'm having these dreams-'

'What?' Leonard asked, shocked. 'She actually agreed to it? But you're... You're... You're you! Why would she say yes to you? I can't believe you're dating my ex Sheldon! Wait, why am I saying this, it's you. You don't have real human emotions, you don't even know what empathy is.'

'Right, well. I can tell coming in here for advice was a bad decision on my part.' Sheldon said, turning to reach for the door handle. All this yelling certainly wasn't going to help him at all, unless he needed help getting a headache. Which - for the record - he didn't. 'Goodnight Leonard.'

'It was.' He heard his roommate mutter, but he chose not to comment and instead returned to his room. Talking to Leonard always made him tired anyhow.

* * *

><p>It was the vibrating of his phone on the nightstand that awoke Sheldon, to see that Penny had texted him. 'Were gna go c the new twilight film. pick me up 6, moonpie'<p>

Oh dear. Maybe this was not the best decision. He knew she was only using such bad grammar and the nickname only his memaw was allowed to call him to wind him up, but maybe if all she did was continue to annoy him, this whole thing wouldn't work.

He never really wanted a child anyway. Why let someone win a Nobel Prize and take away all of his glory? He was the one who worked hard all of his life for his achievements, it's not like he got any help from his mother or father, unless yelling obsceneties at eachother was considered helping nowadays.

Besides, there was no way he was sitting through that Twilgiht hokum for 2 hours of his valuable life. He could do anything with that precious time, play World of Warcraft, Halo, watch some of his Doctor Who boxsets. Why waste that time sitting with Penny, who often spoke with food in her mouth, in a dark and cramped theatre, listeing to teenage girls proclaim their naive love for actors who knew not of their existance?

No, this simply would not do. But then again - he was not one to give up. Maybe he, being the man, should initiate the date. That would throw things more into his favour. Now, where to take her? Hmmm, that was a toughie. He could take her to the comic book store? No, she surely wouldn't enjoy that. He tried to recall dates he had seen on tv - most of them involved going for a meal. So where was a resteraunt that both he and Penny enjoyed dining at? All he could think of was the Cheesecake Factory. Okay, so she didn't dine there - so to say - but she did work there. So she couldn't really hate it.

It was settled then. He picked up his phone and replied to her; 'There has been a change of plans. I no longer desire to sit in a small theatre with 100 lovestruck teenage girls watching that complete hokum. I'm taking you to the Cheesecake factory. Be ready at 7 o'clock sharp.'

Soon came his reply; 'kk'.

Oh, he really hoped she would be more interesting on the date, or he was in for one long evening.


End file.
